written: 15/5/24
last updated: 15/5/24
warning!!! suicide
I am really, really unfortunate looking
it is not "body dysmorphia" it is not teenage hormones making me feel sensitive. it is me losing the genetic lottery
It is my face, my weight, and all the mistakes I've made to my hair over the years. Not taking care of it for 12, cutting 1/4 of it off, ripping it out when I'm stressed. the strands i've cut have started to grow back and looks like i tried to give myself layers. it's awful. I'm awful. i LOOK awful
today I stayed home from school because I can't take it anymore. today I looked exceptionally bad.
i started keeping track of how often I've cried this year, and 8/9 tears shed have been about my appearance. i can't keep living like this!
i wish I was one of the skinny & pretty asian / latina girls that get all the boys' attention. nope. i'm fucking arabian
i don't know what it is. other arab girls look pretty. my eyebrows are thick and long. i have no eyelashes. mascara barely sits on my face. all arabians look like little boys, too. at least i do. maybe it's my face weight. whatever
I do not hate arabs. I hate myself for having to be arabian because I'm sure if i was either fully european or fully arabian, i would be alot prettier. No. I have to be half. I have to have pretty individual features but they look like a mess when they sit on my face. I wish I had no face. it's like me being an arab is shoved down my throat every second of the day because, unlike other mixed ethnicity kids, I HAVE TO HAVE TWO NAMES COME FROM ONE BACKGROUND!! I get it, I GET IT!! I wish I didn't
I'm not a lesbian anymore. I have a crush on a boy
his name is Max, he's really skinny and athletic, and he's blond. I want him really badly!
my feelings towards my appearance grew alot stronger after falling in love with him because boys aren't like girls. girls will date anyone as long as they're nice. boys, like I said, are only attracted to two groups of people. i'm so close but so far
i hate it. i hate every part of myself. i don't even have an attractive personality, i'm super pessimistic and selfish according to my mom. also, i'm borderline. but I'm not one of the skinny racist twitter ones so it's not attractive. at least I'm smart.
i cant keep living in this shitty body. every morning on the way to school I manifest that I get into a car accident. maybe I'll render myself paralyzed and i'll just blame my ugliness on a car accident. I manifest that I get kidnapped and murdered so I don't have to kill myself, but even then I don't think anyone would want to kidnap someone who looks like me.
I plan to kill myself by overdose before my 15th birthday, but I know i wont. but I want to. and the chances of me doing it are more than 50 but not 100. i'm so sad. i wish I was attractive.
it's complicated because I know makeup is the answer, before weightloss. but what if it isn't? what if i try makeup and i'm just as ugly as before? what if when i get bangs, they're cut too short and i'm even uglier than before?
what if i put too much makeup on and I scare Max away when he sees how I really look?
my best friend is a skinny naturally bmi 16 girl who doesn't even know what a calorie is. she makes fun of me for being insecure so i know she's never dealt with any disorder. max had a crush on her. it's embarassing being around her. i know he likes her more than he'll ever like me. why am I so unlucky?
i donkt even have an attractive cry. it's loud. it's all over the place. it sounds like a broken car squealing for help. my mom told me to shut up this morning. i think anyone would though
my nose is the root of all evil