written: 15/11/23
last updated: 15/11/23
Okay. Life... is so hecking unfair.
yeah . edgy title but i added hecking so it's.. it's a freaking Joke!!!! >:( . it is true though at least for me.
is it weird to vent on your neocities page? is it weird to open up about how you feel on your neocities page? yeah, kinda. i sure feel weird on doing it especially now that i know people do read my site and i'm not just talking to a void . but oh well.
i'm so upset at the world for treating me how it does . everybody thinks i am weird and no one wants to be my friend. like, people want to, they tell me all the time they think i'm cool and want to be my friend byt they Just dont. i think the only person that's ever tried to be my friend is Azel and she's not even in my life anymore :/ sure, I am weird. I call myself weird too. but i'm more than a weird girl, I have interests and all but nobody cares about all that . why is that fair? why do I do one weird thing in person and now all i am is reduced to a weird person?! and why do I have to be the one to make friends with everyone ? it's rly starting to dawn on me that The answer is just no one cares about me and i need to stop trying so Hard to please these ppl that Dont even. know what I am trying to do?
people just see me as a backup friend for when their main course isn't there :p i'm so tired of this . i wish i could isolate myself from everyone and the world because i think being alone would make me much happier. i already sort of am, but sort of not. i have people to talk to, even though they are fake i still have someone and i should be grateful I have anything at all. but for like 14 years of my life everything is so one-sided and unfair like when someone else does the same thing as me it's okay and it's fun but when I do it it's weird or just bad? I don't get it . i rly dont . and i wish people would just Be honest with me like Please stop leading me on just tell it how it is. i dont want to Get so happy and then be Let down over and over that's what it's been my whole life whether it small things like My mom ate my sandwich!!! or bigger things like My friends r talking about me behind my back It's happened so often and I csnnot Handle it Anymor!!!! :6
this was one of my big issues when I was 13 (2022) i wanted to be friends with everyone but no one wanted to be friends with me. my realization was when I posted a tweet to twitter asking how many people saw me as a friend and out of the 7 or 8 people that liked the tweet Only one person replied . i had about 300 followers at that point. i think it's a stupid way to have your patrick bateman awakening and i'm sure someone reading this thinks it's pretty stupid too but i had been oblivious to the idea of "people not liking me / having fake friends" beforehand . and I still am kinda airheaded now when it comes to situations like thst i'm still the one gteting myself in all yhese stupid situations where it's Very clear i'm being used or lied to . :p . whatever
the only things that have been there for me right now are mindless self indulgences "stupid MF" and bubblegum octopuses "gods pink laser" and of course urotsuki because she's always there . i hope my life gets better when i turn 15. i want to drop out of school and it's only been like 2 months since the semester started lol . i dk how i'm supposed to get through the next 4 years but oh well.
um.. partially unrelated to all that, i've been thinking of 2 touhou AUs i made when I was 12 (2021). one was a lovecore koishi Au I made to cope with my romance / relationship issues and an AU where kogasa struggles with her personality and who she is . I had a name for it, but I don't think I should say that here . "but elly you just traumadumped to like the 2 ppl reading yhis wth just say he name please" 12 year old me was not very smart with words, so the title I gave it sort of gives off a Completely different issue lol. anyway, I had designed alot of designs for that lovecore AU and I think I should pick them up again. I might update this later, so i'll add a mark juuust incase i do. right now it's 5:15 PM / 17:15 (now :16) :-) my personality changes based off of the hour, so it's very much necessary ! i promise you !