Mini Blog

Lately I've been surfing the web and I've been finding alot of posts of people bashing others for "stealing code". Whatever that's supposed to mean, people can be so vague these days. After reading this one post though I've felt very unmotivated in continuing this site. To summarize what it said, don't make a neocities page without knowing how to code. I'm not really a fan of that idea, but of course I'm not. I don't know how to code.

the way I see things, like, html and css and all that is its own language. Sure it uses english words, but that means nothing. Just because I know english doesn't mean I know how to code. When I was first enrolled in french immersion, they didn't teach us verb conjugations based on pronouns like "j'ai mange, tu as mange, il a mange, nous avons mange..." We did not learn that stuff. We would just copy what we heard and translated. If little me saw a sentence like "J'ai alle au supermarche hier soir" I would translate it to "I went to the superstore last night". I would just remember what I saw and when I wanted to write "I went to [place]" I would say "J'ai alle a [blank]". I did't know what the hell an auxilary was, or that verb endings changed based off of pronoun, or any of this stuff because I would just copy what I heard from others to build my own thing. I learned how to conjugate verbs in 8th grade and now I can form better sentences in french.

what I was trying to get at before I got distracted is that copying can help people better than others. Not everyone learns by meticulously inspecting a page or youtube videos or all this random shit people seem to be doing. Sure, I would be very upset if I spent alot of time working on an original site for someone to copy the entire thing and just paste it into their directory, but it's really not.. the end of the world if I gently take your one container element with a scrollbox and edit the styling to how I like it. I don't understand why people are.. against this.. But one day maybe I'll be an elder who understands all this "you damn kids coming on my neocities site and stealing everyones damn code!" ruckus because Come On, you can't expect people to learn a new language just to make a site. it's not textbook definition gatekeeping but if you say any more you'll be edging the poor thing

I really just wanted to say this somewhere. that's why I made a neocities, there are some things that friends on social media really Don't give a shit about. I have my own personal site now. Eugh, I wonder if when i'm like 40 i'll look back on this and tell myself I was an edgy POS 14 year old. I just don't feel like sillytyping right now, I want people to understahd what I'm saying if anyone's reading. Andim sure ouwouldnt appeedcuate Me talking like Yhis. would you.

Okay. Life... is so hecking unfair.

yeah . edgy title but i added hecking so it's.. it's a freaking Joke!!!! >:( . it is true though at least for me.

is it weird to vent on your neocities page? is it weird to open up about how you feel on your neocities page? yeah, kinda. i sure feel weird on doing it especially now that i know people do read my site and i'm not just talking to a void . but oh well.

i'm so upset at the world for treating me how it does . everybody thinks i am weird and no one wants to be my friend. like, people want to, they tell me all the time they think i'm cool and want to be my friend byt they Just dont. i think the only person that's ever tried to be my friend is Azel and she's not even in my life anymore :/ sure, I am weird. I call myself weird too. but i'm more than a weird girl, I have interests and all but nobody cares about all that . why is that fair? why do I do one weird thing in person and now all i am is reduced to a weird person?! and why do I have to be the one to make friends with everyone ? it's rly starting to dawn on me that The answer is just no one cares about me and i need to stop trying so Hard to please these ppl that Dont even. know what I am trying to do?

people just see me as a backup friend for when their main course isn't there :p i'm so tired of this . i wish i could isolate myself from everyone and the world because i think being alone would make me much happier. i already sort of am, but sort of not. i have people to talk to, even though they are fake i still have someone and i should be grateful I have anything at all. but for like 14 years of my life everything is so one-sided and unfair like when someone else does the same thing as me it's okay and it's fun but when I do it it's weird or just bad? I don't get it . i rly dont . and i wish people would just Be honest with me like Please stop leading me on just tell it how it is. i dont want to Get so happy and then be Let down over and over that's what it's been my whole life whether it small things like My mom ate my sandwich!!! or bigger things like My friends r talking about me behind my back It's happened so often and I csnnot Handle it Anymor!!!! :6

this was one of my big issues when I was 13 (2022) i wanted to be friends with everyone but no one wanted to be friends with me. my realization was when I posted a tweet to twitter asking how many people saw me as a friend and out of the 7 or 8 people that liked the tweet Only one person replied . i had about 300 followers at that point. i think it's a stupid way to have your patrick bateman awakening and i'm sure someone reading this thinks it's pretty stupid too but i had been oblivious to the idea of "people not liking me / having fake friends" beforehand . and I still am kinda airheaded now when it comes to situations like thst i'm still the one gteting myself in all yhese stupid situations where it's Very clear i'm being used or lied to . :p . whatever

the only things that have been there for me right now are mindless self indulgences "stupid MF" and bubblegum octopuses "gods pink laser" and of course urotsuki because she's always there . i hope my life gets better when i turn 15. i want to drop out of school and it's only been like 2 months since the semester started lol . i dk how i'm supposed to get through the next 4 years but oh well.

um.. partially unrelated to all that, i've been thinking of 2 touhou AUs i made when I was 12 (2021). one was a lovecore koishi Au I made to cope with my romance / relationship issues and an AU where kogasa struggles with her personality and who she is . I had a name for it, but I don't think I should say that here . "but elly you just traumadumped to like the 2 ppl reading yhis wth just say he name please" 12 year old me was not very smart with words, so the title I gave it sort of gives off a Completely different issue lol. anyway, I had designed alot of designs for that lovecore AU and I think I should pick them up again. I might update this later, so i'll add a mark juuust incase i do. right now it's 5:15 PM / 17:15 (now :16) :-) my personality changes based off of the hour, so it's very much necessary ! i promise you !

im mad i cant draw and coding feels so bothersome these days. huaghhh

I need to lose weight

why cant dj technorch have ALL his songs on spotify

had alot i wanted to say earlier but I dunno now. :P

hHUASDGSIOIAGUEFIHJUIFIOJKOFJODJKBGEQEWKFDSOI the most satisfying feeling is coding something nsd not being sure if its going to work how you want it to and then its DONEEE im coidng a new indec page from ground up which i doooont normally do and yhere have been some Things that have been just Pissing me the hell off AKA I CNANT ADD A BLURY BORDER FOR THE LIFEE OFFMEEE but its ok .

today is my law of talos karl-boyfriendgirlfriend-iversary. december 28th 2023. :)

I am going to make an HTML / CSS tutorial sometime in the future

i'm not the best at code and i say that alot but As a semi beginner (i started to code for reals in October thank you.) I know what other beginners look for in a tutorial and I will satisfy everyones needs

most "tutorials" ive found have dipped after telling us what the paragraph tag is or they tell you a bunch of shit you do not care about. I love you guys and I love to infodump about my hyperfixations too but What the hell is knowing that HTML stands for "hyper text markup language" gonna do to help me. at all

most resources ive found aren't very good at helping with CSS either

w3schools is a good resource because of the "try-it" feature but it's never served me much help after wanting to style more advanced elements. It taught me how to add an image, it taught me how to add background images, but I learned how to position images and style borders by using inspect element on other peoples sites. which is like, the number one indie web crime according to some of u "people". I wrote about that in october and one person agreed with me thnk you i ghink i know who you are but i donr wanna say

ive always been really lonely throughout my life Because of people thinking i am weird

Ive gotten used to being really lonely and it's overwhelming having more than 3 friends because I feel like I need to satisfy everyones needs so they find use in me. and i end up getting so stressed about this that I focus too much on one friend and develop feelings and focus too little on another and then Bam. both friends don't find use in me anymore. one isn't satisfied and one has gotten what they wanted

but this is a concept that i have made up!!! I try so hard to satisfy everyones needs but they don't care becahse they view me as a real friend and not A personal pleaser!..

some don't struggle with friendships as much as i do because it's not a groundbreaking occurence to them when someone is actually kind or wants to be friends..!!

this ends up Leadinb me to believe everyone that is nice to me wants to be my friend so sometime I embarass myself. jmm

I wish i was able to have normal friendships :| counseling doesn't help me. like actually they just focus on my parents divorce it's kinda annoying

Seeing as this is my website snd not your website I fcan talk abour 2hatever i want in here and if someone criticzes me i will jsr disable my site profile forever so

earlier i broke down

here is the string of tweets I made on my private account

private meaning echo chamber that nobody follows

"Why do I have to be the ugly girl"

"Why couldnt i be one of those pretty arab girls with the healthy curly hair and the perfect facial harmony why do i have to be the ugly one with the damaged nasty curls and the cute eyes horrendous nose im not even fully fucking arabian and im suffering this much"

"This nazi propaganda shit has gotten to me i swear i used to wish i was just prettynow i just wish i was nordic and beautiful and blond and skinny and the exact opposite of what i am i hate being arab im onot even a nazi this shit shouldnt affect me i want to die so so badly"

"Im gonna be alone for ever i may aswell start dating men because i dont think any woman woild find me attractive my hear hurts eo badlu ive been cryng fir sl long"

"I have never actually wished to comit suicode so badly until nowi hate everything i wnt a nose job but i jusy wisj i has n'as-tu rally pretty because indont want to deveiev anyome i dont want them to thnk im so grgeous and then tehy see my no make up selfe and tneure loike eeww"

"Fuck everything"

"I hate you fucking pretty girls who complain about being pretty you would kys if you wete me i hate you all so bad i hate pretty people j haye skinny girls i hate eveyry tjikkngggg"

quite the edgy little string of gweets we have there Huh!!!... But i'm not gonna sit nere and say i dont stand by everything i said. even if that nazi shit soundsbad, I know I'm not a facist. I'm just. really really insecure

I am rired. have Been crying Slowly for hours now. i wroteThose tweets at 9pm yesterday. Is wan oh three am on febuary 1st I am bery sad and have not been able to calm dowm. I think the only thing that will calm me down is Death or plastic surgery

There is so long I can go saying That I ama happy lil gyalll who doesnt care abt what other ppl thijk of meand Likes to have funn!! Qith my friends!! until I go berserkaWHAT FCUKIGNFRISNDS Anyway I genuinely have no friends anymore no Real friends just nobodies who message me sometimes on discord adn then not for another 6 momths no one fr gives an Eff about me and it's awful and i'm not a happy girl person haha hehe uchuchu I love my RAIIFFFD!!!!!! sparkle emoji I HATE MY LIFE i hate who iam I hat who i have turned our ro be and I hate this stupid stained view ppl have on me cus of other peoples rude words I NEED TO BE GONE FROM THIS EARTH And I'm not crytyping maybe I sojnd a little casual But i am extremely troubled right now and wish for nothing but to blurrrrhhh

"Don't tell me what to do" message appeared in my tumblr askbox today... huh

HUH

i am quite the dumb girl so if i've sent this message to myself, i have forgotten, but there is always a chance this could be from one of my little stalkers?

i wonder

could it be from one of my friends? or just a random person who i replied to? i don't know. i am a little worried though

i've since deleted the message because i (replied to it and regretted it) don't want to start something. can't we move on?

we hurt eachother but we are also stupid and sensitive teenagers. i have forgiven and moved on, and i understand what I did was wrong. unless, by some chance it is not the folks i have in mind, and it is instead someone random who does not understand how i feel right now having been made aware of being stalked quite frequently (especially after i stopped my side of block evading and deleted my social medias), then um, i'm sorry to you two if you're seeing? or you three? or four? it's a party of like 6 against 1. lul.

i feel a little edgy writing this because, i'm writing these walls of text to people who have also most likely moved on and i'm just assuming they know where i am and r still stalking me. i don't think they do? but oh welll. this is my site and i guess i can dump what i wish i could say

I don't hate you two. or three i guess. i wish i could have given you a proper apology though. i know u two r still hurting at least and i'm not ganna reach out to u because you've told me not 2 .. i can respect ppl u kno. but i also wish i could be respected. that twitter account is long gone and i have no more twitter or accounts period for u two to spy on, but pls stop. i'm 14. you're 13 and 15. we're just teenagers!!! i am sorry for hurting you but you can't fully shift all the blame onto me and you can't be bathing in the thought of me for so long especially if you're trying to heal. we both hurt eachother, we just need 2 (unspokenly) forgive eachother.. if u r still shtalking me, please stop it . i've stopped my part long ago and i haven't done anything recent to deserve it ... and this is going to be the only time i mention you on this site, or on anything at all!

that es it. i hope i am just being a little paranoid and that message just means nothing. hope u three are well ^.^